Pretty Funny, Always Sad

How do you collect the pieces of yourself you’ve left in the past?

I am a person that feels my emotions deeply. Pain, grief, all of the bad emotions have been like close friends for years. It’s joy and happiness that’s harder for me to accept or recognize at times. This film knocked open two decades of mixed emotions that I’ve–unsuccessfully–tried to ignore. It explores my own pain as a way of commenting on the complexity of people and their lives. In the process of making this film, I found that anger, resentment, and feeling small again were mixed with the joy of storytelling and the thrill of working with great people who cared about what I had to say. To put it simply, Pretty Funny, Always Sad is a small piece of myself I’ve given to those who watch it. The film explores my own pain as a way of commenting on the complexity of people and their lives. We’re all capable of feeling both pain and joy deeply, and all at once. 

Everything about creating this film has been difficult for me, as this strange experimental creation has tested my limits and pushed me excruciatingly to the edge. People say there is bravery in being this painstakingly honest, and they’re right, but there’s also loneliness. 

Scattered throughout the film are pieces of my real story: the actual letters my father wrote to me, the toys I played with as a child, the real things that were said and done to me. This film is as personal as it gets. This therapeutic journey was only further complicated by the arrival of my sisters on set. It was both troubling and healing to watch my younger sister play the young version of myself, and offered a painful insight into my own perspective. It’s uncanny to see myself through other people’s eyes, especially being treated in an abusive way. 

My hope with this film is that people are able to feel my pain and anger, and for those who are still held back by their past, I want this film to give them permission to feel those feelings too. There is a tremendous catharsis that comes with telling your truth and taking back the power that was once taken from you.